Soul Phone
by symbion
Summary: True businessman to the core, follow Urahara Kisuke's ventures in marketing his newest product, SoulPhoneTM, to the other humans, shinigamis, and vaizards alike. Side story of 'Alive', refers to further future.
1. Prologue

**Soul Phones**

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**Disclaimer:** Don't own BLEACH, Tite Kubo and other relevant media do.

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**Summary:** True businessman to the core, follow Urahara Kisuke's ventures in marketing his newest product, SoulPhoneTM, to the other humans, shinigamis, and vaizards alike.

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**A/N:** Following 'Easy Access', I was intrigued to make some humor story about Urahara developing and marketing his product, the newest hollow-detector cell phones known as SoulPhoneTM, hahaha. It will mostly be drabbles though, since I don't have any intention to make long story with two of my main stories still in progress. Same realm as 'Alive'.

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**Prologue**

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Yoruichi found Urahara busying himself in his hidden lab just behind his room.

She had no idea either what he was busy with or why. She didn't really want to know.

However, the merry tune her apparent lover had been humming for quite some time somehow intrigued her to no end. Kisuke was in a super-happy-mode, it seemed. Not that he was usually unhappy on the other days, but still, there was something …different today.

Curiosity kills the cat, old men say, but Yoruichi simply didn't care. She tiptoed behind Urahara and peeked over his shoulder. But right before she had a chance to get a glimpse of whatever the stubble-adorned man had been working at; Urahara spun around on his chair and grinned widely at her.

"Yoruichi honey, I know you're curious of whatever I have been busy with all this time." He smirked mischievously. "Do you miss me so much?"

Yoruichi harrumphed. "There's no way I miss your lazy ass around."

Urahara chuckled.

"You know, if you're so curious, all you have to do is ask."

"I'm not curious. I just pass by your room. That's all."

"Ah, ah, ah, no need to be so testy about it." Urahara chided playfully. He grabbed a leaflet from his desk and shoved it to her face. "Here, take a look at this."

Yoruichi took the offending paper and peered closely. It was an advertisement or more likely a catalogue of cell phones; very unordinary cell phones at that, considering the lists of function beside the display—one of them was being a boomerang… somehow. Yoruichi knew that it was another type of hollow-detector phones Urahara had invented before.

"It's cell phones' catalogue." She said simply.

Urahara chuckled. "Why yes, it's true. But it's not an ordinary cell phone, my dear."

"It's hollow-detector cell phone, like the ones you gave Rukia and Hitsugaya's team back then."

Urahara tsk-ed her. "You may be right, honey, but this one is different. Completely different. It's super ordinary, mega grande, sparklingly awesome invention! This phone is the road to the future, our bright future, that is." Urahara exclaimed proudly.

Yoruichi rolled her eyes at her lover's absurd rambling. It was just cell phones for cry out loud. Everyone had seen and had their own cell phones nowadays. What was there about invention anyway??

"Kisuke, it's just a cell phone. A weird multi function cell phone, but still, it's a cell phone nonetheless."

Urahara pouted childishly. "If you say so, then it's fine. I will test this phone on several volunteering-customers, by the way."

The behatted shopkeeper rose from his seat and pulled out a thick notebook containing the names and addresses of each of his costumers from his overcoat. He flipped from page to page, humming merrily as he searched for his destination.

Yoruichi only stared at his back and promptly she went back to scan the leaflet. She still didn't find any peculiar feature the cell phone seemingly offered. Its shape was like any other candy-bar shaped cell phone; slim, sleek, with average-width screen and necessary buttons. It had camera, too. And FM radio, MP3 player, etc. Yoruichi raised one of her elegant brows. Kisuke could be so fashionable sometimes.

"Ah-hah! Let's begin with Kurosaki-kun first." Urahara beamed cheerfully. "Say it's our late present for his assignment as 5th division taichou last time."

"Kisuke, you and Isshin have thrown a party for him, right in this humble, little shop. You want to give him any more present?"

"Why, of course, since I'm a generous man."

Yoruichi shook her head and promptly left the room while her lover busied himself by scribbling down Kurosaki Ichigo's name, address, and postal code on the surface of an empty box.

The last thing she saw was Urahara putting one of his prided cell phones—it was red—within the box, complete with the leaflet, manual book, battery charger, some smaller packages and a note.

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So??? So??? How do you think?? Please R&R and feel free to suggest an idea for Urahara's next victims, ehehehe...

As for the first, second, and third victims, I have already had candidates to torture... so you can give me ideas of whose next for fourth, fifth, and so forth victims.

Enjoy!!


	2. Kurosaki Ichigo

**A/N:** Starting from this part, every first sentence begins with 'The package arrived…' since I don't feel like to describe Urahara's effort to wrap the package for his selected volunteers one by one.

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**1****st**** Customer: Kurosaki Ichigo**

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The package arrived as Ichigo barely skipped the ladder to get into the kitchen, searching for morning coffee.

Curious, he opened the front door and found no one. He scowled, thinking about some brats pull pranks on his house's doorbell—when he finally looked downward and found the package.

Bending down to lift the medium-sized box, Ichigo squinted to read the scribbles on the top of the package. Those were his name and address. He turned the box over and over, but he couldn't find the sender's name.

"Weird," he murmured thoughtfully. "I wonder who sent me this package."

He was absently grateful that his father and sisters were not at home at that time. Isshin had a meeting with his team of local doctors in Karakura Hospital, while Yuzu was busy with her cooking club—they picnicked at the amusement park. As for Karin, he didn't really know where she was heading. He thought that his tomboyish little sister might have likely had another match of soccer.

After brewing coffee for himself, Ichigo settled down on one of the dining chairs. He opened the package, gingerly and cautiously at that; since, hey, whaddya know? Maybe someone just wanted to pull on pranks at him. If there was any, he would suspect it was Rukia. Or Renji. Or Rukia _and_ Renji. Or, most likely, Urahara.

He was right on the last guess.

Unpacking the box's content, he was surprised to find that it was a cell phone. It was red colored; a beautiful metallic red color he immediately found himself liking it. The shape was slim and sleek, just like ordinary candy-bar cell phones he had seen before. All in all, it looked like normal phone for him.

He scrutinized the device intently before snatching the note and read it. He scowled at the scribbles and the name signed within.

'_Dear Kurosaki-kun,_

_Here I give you one of my magnificent inventions, SoulPhone__TM__. I hope you like the color. It's still a prototype though, so I won't take any responsibility for any defection it has. I'm still working to perfect it._

_Consider it as my late present for your taichou appointment._

_Urahara Kisuke._

_P.S. I also give them to several others, FYI. By the way, I give this free only for you and maybe Uriya-kun. As for others, I may take a charge for cheap and reasonable price. Oh, I also insert the SIM card you need so you don't have to buy one.'_

Ichigo grumbled. Cheap for Urahara meant the thing was easily expendable, just like the memory chikan Rukia had once used the first time she met him. At least he was quite lucky considering Urahara just gave the phone to him freely.

Reading the leaflet, Ichigo didn't feel surprised that the phone was another device to track hollows. Quite truly, he didn't even need it, he had his badge, but it was free anyway. He had nothing to lose, so why not? He was just _a bit_ shocked when he listed down other functions of the aforementioned phone. Seriously, a boomerang? Molotov bomb?

He dug into the box once more and pulled out the battery charger, SIM card package, and manual book. He flipped the manual book page per page, reading the instruction of how to use the phone. He frowned as he couldn't read the writings. Honestly, Urahara had to learn how to use computer properly. His scribbles were awfully unreadable.

Ichigo resorted to treat the phone just the same way he treated other ordinary cell phones. He inserted the SIM card and reached for the charger. He expected the battery to be charged for at least six to eight hours before it could be used—and was shocked when the phone suddenly beeped alive as he tried to connect it with the charger. A shrilly ring-tone rang through the kitchen, startling him shitless—the sound was suspiciously similar to his hollow badge's he wondered whether Urahara had been the one who made the thing or at least constructed the blueprint.

Almost dropping the phone, Ichigo finally released his breath—which was unconsciously held during the moment the phone rang—as the accursed thing stopped ringing. He peered onto the screen and found a text message—an opening message, most likely. He knew that there were some types of cell phones which had animated opening text message. This one was no exception.

The message was adorned by dynamic, blinking animation of chibified-Urahara, complete with hat, overcoat, cane, and clogs, waving his annoying white fan happily; if not cheerfully. Ichigo's brow ticked in annoyance and he quickly, hurriedly read the message.

'Ah, ah, ah, no need to charge the battery, Kurosaki-kun, for I have charged it full-tank before I send it to you, so feel free to push the navigation key and start rummaging the content. Enjoy!!'

That old man Urahara… seriously…

Ichigo complied and pushed the navi key, which was located on the middle of the phone, and the message screen swiftly changed into optional menu screen. He eyed the menu and decided to settle his first observation on the Setting menu.

Pushing the navi key once more, Ichigo rummaged through the Setting submenus. He found the submenu he wanted, Display, and started to reset the appearance of his phone's screen. He hatefully erased the opening message, of course, along with the Urahara animation. He didn't need another reminder of that shady shopkeeper dancing happily within his new phone.

After resetting the display, he started setting the other submenus.

Language? Japanese, check.

Phone password? Ichigo frowned a little and decided to skip the option, leaving it blank. Though he knew he might fill it later. Isshin was such a prying bastard sometimes.

Quick dials? He decided to also skip that. He would fill in his friends' numbers later.

…Emergency only? Huh? Oh, well, Ichigo picked the option and almost fainted in shock as suddenly the video-call camera (oh yeah, the phone had it) flashed at him, undoubtedly taking his picture. After that he watched with a sinking feeling as _something_ oozed out from a tiny hole beside the phone. Ichigo missed the hole completely, though he had suspicion that the tiny cavity wasn't even there on the first place—until now.

Said something was green and slimy, globing and finally falling on the floor with sickening sound of something wet and sticky usually hit hard surfaces. Ichigo promptly half-threw the phone and jerked up from his seat, backing away from the …thing. The slime started to form and mold itself, taking the shape of _…him???_

Ichigo blinked.

The slime turned into …him.

What the hell???

Sure, it was him—orange, spiky hair; green T-shirt; ragged denim—but something was wrong with the shape…

"…_Am I really that fat??!!!"_

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Urahara had to clutch his stomach as he watched the entire scene of a very freaking-out Ichigo in the kitchen, scampering away from his fatty carbon copy's hug. He, after all, had a secretly hidden camera installed on the vicinity of Kurosaki's household. The shady shopkeeper was laughing his ass off; almost toppling over the stool he had sit at the entire time.

Oh, he had to fix the Emergency-Only-Copy-Yourself-and-Make-Instant-Gigai function so the option would work properly. But all in all, it was quite successful—kinda.

Now, he switched on another screen and peered, grinning all the time. _How about my second costumer?_


	3. Hitsugaya Toushiro

**2****nd**** Customer: Hitsugaya Toushiro**

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The package arrived right after Hitsugaya Toushiro and Kurosaki Karin parted their ways from their supposedly 'date'. Oh yeah, the now-growing-as-tall-as-Ichigo tenth division taichou was dating fifteen-years-old Kurosaki Karin for almost three months now.

The wrapped brown box came to him, shocking the taichou shitless. He gawked at the running box (yeah, it was running towards him) and he stopped dead on his track. His instinct was to pull out from his gigai and draw Hyourinmaru, slashing at the offending thing. But he stayed still and waited, still gaping.

The box stopped right before him, its four tentacle-legs (which it used to run crazily) instantly gone with a loud snap. The box was suspended in midair for a while before falling and hitting the pavement with a thud.

Hitsugaya was rooted on the spot, speechless. He promptly glared suspiciously at the box, half expecting something to sprout out from it.

Nothing happened.

Tentatively, not to mention cautiously, he picked the box from the ground. He saw his name was scribbled down on the top of the box. So the package was indeed for him.

Hitsugaya frowned, thinking hard. Who was in the right mind sending him a strange, high-possibly dangerous package to him from all people? The white haired taichou finally held the package within an arm's length, afraid it would explode if he held it too close to his body.

His genius mind instantly thought about one person and one person only, who had high possibility to be the mysterious sender of this weird package.

Urahara Kisuke.

……

Hitsugaya arrived on Orihime's apartment fifteen minutes later, sporting a large bruise on his forehead. He was still holding the package within an arm's length, though he clutched the offending box with such gusto the box was almost crushed under his palm.

Before, he tried to throw the box away, only to have it being thrown back at him. Right on the forehead, it hit him. Hitsugaya didn't have time to duck or even recognize it right before the box had suddenly flied back and hit him. Grumbling, he picked the package once more and decided to open it at Orihime's apartment.

Hitsugaya had long decided that, instead of Urahara's shop or Ichigo's house, he would rather keep his gigai in Orihime's apartment. The white haired taichou felt annoyed by Urahara's antic and Ichigo's complains (their gigais were stored within Ichigo's closet for some time before).

He had snatched his gigai away and asked Orihime to lend a space for him to keep his gigai. The girl happily complied and set a space within her closet for Hitsugaya's gigai. The taichou was thankful for that. He then kind of forced the shopkeeper to teach him how to quickly fix and maintain gigai so he didn't have to run at him for mundane treatment.

Hitsugaya knew that Orihime wasn't at home that time; she was working on the boutique at Karakura Mall. Thank God, he mused; for he didn't want the girl to suffer mental scar—again—by seeing something _…weird_ coming from the box. Though he had suspicion that his landlady might have been excited to see it—"Oooohhh, Toshiro-kun, what's that? What's that? A walking box? I wonder if it has eaten a full portion of ramen with wasabi and red bean paste as main topping…"

Hitsugaya shivered.

He fished the key from his pocket and opened the door. After quick shower and a cup of green tea, Hitsugaya climbed the rooftop and sat there. Orihime would be coming home after seven at night; there was still two hours left. The scene of sunset here wasn't as enticing as the scene at the hilltop, though. He usually watched sunset there. He would lean on the railing, watching the sunset while monitoring hollows via his cell phone.

The first time he watched sunset at that time was the first time he met Karin.

Hitsugaya let out a small, soft smile as he reminisced about that particular memory.

Karin was eager to pull him into her soccer team; since her team wasn't able to win against the middle-schoolers. He refused, initially; but when he saw Karin's wounded leg during the match, he felt quite annoyed and guilty. He decided to join in at the second match. They won the match; but suddenly a hollow crashed onto the field and nearly killed them. Hitsugaya quickly changed into his shinigami form and defeated the monster. After that, he learned that Karin was indeed Ichigo's little sister and that she was able to see spirits and hollows.

She also called him an elementary school kid's taichou. He seethed at that.

Since that time, he couldn't dismiss his thought about her. He managed to subside the musing for a while due to the upcoming Winter War; but after that, they came back with vengeance.

After so much agonizing nights and torturing days thinking about Karin, he gave up and proclaimed to her that he simply liked her. Surprisingly, Karin reciprocated his feeling. He couldn't be much more thankful that day.

He shifted and his hand touched the package beside him. Oh, yeah, the box. Hitsugaya grabbed the package and tore the wrapping. He stared at the simple carton box. Frowning all the way, he opened the box and found a cell phone within, complete with the charger, SIM card, and other necessary things. A note was stuck on the inside. He read it.

'_Hitsugaya-taichou,_

_Here's new model of hollow-detector phone I've invented. Matsumoto complained about you being grumpy about your old phone. Don't worry, I'll charge you a cheap price._

_Urahara Kisuke.'_

Hitsugaya snorted and made a mental note to reprimand Matsumoto later. He didn't need her to act like a mother-hen to him of all people.

The white haired taichou scanned the bill Urahara had sent to him. Well, 500 yen seemed reasonable enough; if not somehow impossibly cheap. It sounded kinda fishy for him, but Hitsugaya shrugged it off.

He picked the phone and scrutinized the device. The color was blue metallic and its shape was slim and sleek. He found he liked the new phone better than his old one.

Knowing Urahara—the man might have charged the battery full-tank before he sent the phone to him, so it would be ready-to-use—Hitsugaya pushed the ON button after he inserted the SIM card. He wondered why the shopkeeper sent him a new SIM card after all; he could use his old one. He decided he didn't care.

Several minutes later, Hitsugaya had surfed from menu to menu, submenu to submenu, and he found there was nothing strange within his new phone. He shrugged, feeling satisfied about his new gadget. He reminded himself to give Urahara his payment and a gratitude visit later.

He barely finished his surfing through Extra menu when suddenly he found a new menu. Frowning in confusion, he wondered just when the menu showed up. Did it pop out of the blue? He remembered he didn't see that menu before.

The menu was listed as TKPAGES.

Hitsugaya's frown deepened. What the hell was TKPAGES?

He picked the menu and immediately cringed when he was welcomed by the nauseating pink background. There were animations surrounding the scroll-list submenus, showing rows of soccer balls and little pale blue dragons. The dragons were kicking the soccer balls comically, just like any other animations would be.

Hitsugaya blinked.

_Wait…wait a minute…_

_Soccer balls and blue dragon…_

_Soccer… dragon…_

_TK… Toushiro… Karin…_

Hitsugaya choked on his own spit. That shopkeeper! He knew!!

……

…Of course, he knew. He always knew about everything, that bastard. There was no surprise if he had known, somehow…

Hitsugaya calmed his breath and went back to scan the list. He scrolled the submenus and found interesting names, such as Tips of the Day, Diary, and Progressing Agenda…

He tried the Tips of the Day submenu. The screen was still pink in color, but it was immediately changing into some kind of message board. There was a message on the screen. Hitsugaya read the message, annoyed yet curious; and immediately went several shades of red.

'_**Tips of the Day:**__ Aww, don't be shy just by kissing her on the cheek, Shiro-chan. You can do the kissing more next time. Give her French kiss and declare your undying love under the bathing of sunset on the hilltop. How romantic!!'_

Hitsugaya blushed profusely and hurriedly pressed the Back button as hard as he could. If he didn't remember his position, he would throw the phone away and scamper from the spot. And then he would grab Hyourinmaru and go to hunt a certain green-and-white-striped-hat-wearing shopkeeper.

How the hell he did know that Hitsugaya only kissed Karin on the cheek last time??!! Did he stalk them??!!

Thinking about it made Hitsugaya blush again. And angry. Definitely angry.

He tried to calm his nerves and went to abort the menu when suddenly a _ping_ came from the phone. Cautiously, he peered into the phone and saw a blinking on the submenu Progressing Agenda.

Hitsugaya tentatively chose the submenu and saw that several new notes had been added inside the lines of agenda-look-alike screen. Did the menu and notes within this infernal phone always pop out of the blue in random moments?? Hell, he didn't even want to know how it was possible…

He read the notes and his eyes widened in half disbelief and half shock.

'_**Date Plan#1:**__ Taking Karin to the movie; kissing her a la French kiss; treat her a romantic dinner; buying her a sexy bikini for the next date on the beach._

_**Date Plan#2:**__ Taking Karin to the beach; watching her perfect form clad in bikini (yay!!); swimming together; French kissing again, plus some light groping._

_**Date Plan#3:**__ Level 3 Dating—making sure to book a reservation on the love hotel. Oh, don't forget about contraception.'_

Hitsugaya's head, neck, allover body, and especially, mind; combusted.

_That—that—that …__**PERVERT!!!!**_

And then he fainted, still blushing something horrid from head to toe...

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Urahara rolled over on the floor, laughing like mad.

That not-so-chibi taichou was soooo easy to rile!! No wonder Matsumoto loved to do it again and again and again, riling him from time to time.

And he was blushing something—something horrid, and it was cute and—and—

"AHAHAHAHAHA!!!! This. Is. So. Funny!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

Outside his lab, Yoruichi and Tessai only shook their head, accustomed to Urahara's weird habit.


	4. Shizu Uriya

**3****rd**** Customer: Shizu Uriya**

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The package arrived along with the paperwork from the Tenth Division.

Uriya frowned and scrutinized the brown-packaged box intently. His name was scribbled on the top of the package.

He still stood motionless in front of his desk, paperwork on his hand, staring at the offending box; when Kira Izuru, Abarai Renji, Hisagi Shuuhei, and Hinamori Momo walked into the office, each of them heaving a stack of paperwork on their arms.

Hinamori was, miraculously, recovered from her invalid state. Even though she was shocked when she heard she had been demoted from her rank as fukutaichou, she could somehow accept the decision. She knew she was being a burden for her division all along.

But both Ichigo and Uriya suggested to Yamamoto so that she could become the 3rd seat officer, replacing Yoneda, who died previously in mission, much to her dismay. The old general accepted and Momo was back to her old room in 5th division barrack, the supposedly room for fukutaichou. When she asked Uriya about it, the green eyed man only told her not to worry too much about trivial matter, such as room arrangement. Lately she found out that Uriya had his room on the highest building in 5th division, which was supposedly used for spare guest room.

Though feeling a bit guilty, Hinamori was thankful for Uriya's understanding; since she loved her room so much.

Her friends, however, were initially disagreed by the decision of her demoting; but moreover by Uriya's appointment as fukutaichou. Both Kira and Hisagi protested loudly, saying that the 5th division didn't need a remainder of Aizen's troop, particularly an ex-Espada at that. Renji didn't say much, though. Neither Ise nor Matsumoto comment anything.

They were silenced by Ichigo's agitation and Uriya's sharp words.

After some commotion, they somehow got the problem mended. Hisagi and Kira gradually found that Uriya wasn't half as bad as they thought; and eventually they warmed to him. Now, they had formed some buddy-buddy group a.k.a. drinking-and-playing-game group consisted of Renji, Kira, Hisagi, Matsumoto, Hinamori, Kyouraku, Uriya, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Iba, and Kenpachi. Well, more likely most of them liked to drink and mess around, for exception of Uriya and Hinamori. They were satisfied to be the bystanders; the sober ones at that. Sometimes, Hitsugaya, Ukitake, Ichigo, and Rukia joined the group.

"…Dude, what friggin' hell are ya doing, standing motionless like that?" Renji inquired, curious. "Want to be a statue-like form like Kuchiki-taichou?"

Hisagi and Kira snickered, while Hinamori giggled. Uriya, however, was unfazed. He simply put the paperwork on his desk and pointed at the box.

"…What's that?" Hisagi asked as he too put the stack of paperwork on Uriya's desk.

He was impressed—horribly _impressed_—at Uriya's ability to do the paperwork in short amount of time. The green eyed man was diligent, efficient, neat, and fast. He rarely made mistakes, could work twice or maybe thrice faster than Hitsugaya-taichou, and without much complaints. He, combined with Hinamori and Ichigo—who were almost as diligent and efficient as him (Hisagi was still in disbelief knowing that the loud and brash Kurosaki Ichigo was a diligent and hardworking man)—succeeded in maintaining the division paperwork and overall problems. In a year, Fifth Division had become one of the most efficient and functioning divisions; the other would be the Tenth Division and maybe the First. To say that Yamamoto-soutaichou was thoroughly satisfied for them was absolutely an understatement.

Uriya shrugged nonchalantly. "…I don't know. Package."

"I know that it's a package, Shizu." Hisagi grumbled, annoyed. Honestly, one thing that he disliked from the other man was his quietness. Shizu Uriya was indeed a man with few words.

"Ano, from whom, Shizu-san?" Hinamori asked as she put her stack neatly on her desk. Uriya shrugged again, indicating his clueless condition.

Ichigo had insisted that Hinamori would be working in the same room with him and Uriya; which usually the 3rd seat officer had their own office. The 5th division taichou had jokingly said that he would need Hinamori's assistance a lot since both he and Uriya weren't originally Seireitei inhabitants. Everyone suspected that it was only Ichigo's excuse to console Hinamori, but they decided not to comment much as Hinamori happily accepted his offer. Fortunately, the fifth division's taichou office was pretty spacious, though right after the decision was made; Ichigo asked the Soutaichou a permission to expand his office. The request was granted without much ado.

Now, the office had become twice bigger and more spacious than before. Ichigo was the one who arranged the interior and decoration; with little help from Uriya and Hinamori. They found it was interesting that Ichigo was quite adept in decoration and interior layout.

"Let's see the content, shall we?" Renji had shoved his stack of paperwork rather unceremoniously on Hinamori's desk, causing the paperwork which had been placed neatly before to topple over the surface and fall to the floor. Uriya glared at him and the redheaded fukutaichou smirked sheepishly before rearranging the stacks back.

"It doesn't have the sender's name on it." Kira commented, holding the box within his hands and examining it. He had already put his stack on the table right after he walked inside the office.

"Just open it, Kira." Renji demanded. Kira frowned at him.

"Abarai, this package is for Shizu-san." He replied dryly and glanced at Shizu. "You have to ask his permission first to open the package." He was seconded by Hinamori and Hisagi.

Renji grunted and looked at Uriya in silent request. Uriya raised one of his eyebrows elegantly and remarked, "Go ahead."

Renji grinned and began to tear open the wrapping. Disposing the brown encasement, he held out a plain carton box. Blinking, he gave the box to Uriya.

"It's yers. Open it." His grin seemed to widen.

"…Abarai, you're just curious, aren't you?"

"Damn right. But I still have dignity not to rummage other's package." Behind him, Hisagi and Kira snorted.

Gingerly, he took the box from Renji's hand and opened it. He had pretty much suspicion before as to who had sent this package; and his suspicion was confirmed when he saw the horribly scribbled note within. Sighing in slight exasperation, he picked the note and read.

'_Dear Uriya-kun,_

_I give this prototype gadget freely to you. Feel free to use it for your own benefit._

_Urahara Kisuke.'_

"What's with the note?" Hisagi asked, curious.

Uriya sighed again. "…Just as I thought. This package is from Urahara."

Hearing the name Urahara, Renji immediately recoiled and eyed the box in suspicion. "Don't say that the content is highly dangerous substances…"

"Very-high likely, it is."

Renji shivered and proceeded to hide behind the couch. Hisagi laughed at him.

"Man, are you truly scared? Of a mere box?"

Renji flushed and glared at him. "Dude! Ya just don't know what that crazy shopkeeper can do! He's even worse than Kurotsuchi Mayuri—well, sometimes…"

Hisagi laughed harder. Kira snickered, while Hinamori giggled at Renji's antic.

Uriya had pulled out the thing from the box and found out that it was a cell phone. It was metallic black and had nicely slim and sleek form. He examined the device for a moment and put it down on the middle of his desk, eyeing it for some more times. His companions had stopped laughing and making noises; and turned their attention to the thing.

"It's a cell phone," Renji voiced meekly. Hisagi whacked his head. "Oww, what the hell was that for?"

"You're just stating the fact, man. Of course we've known that it is indeed a cell phone."

"But ya don't have to whack me on the head!"

Ignoring the commotion, Uriya tentatively examined the phone once more. For as long as he knew the shady shopkeeper—that was short in term of time—he was sure that the man was eccentric. He had tendency to make weird and unconventional experiments. Less sadistic and messy like Kurotsuchi or Sazero's, but not less weird. This phone, despite its plain appearance, might have been a _very _dangerous device.

Oh, he knew that the phone was hollow-detector cell phone. He just couldn't fathom what more inside the seemingly harmless thing was.

Spotting the leaflet, Uriya took it and scanned the content. He frowned ever-so-slightly reading the ridiculous function that had been added into the phone. Seriously, Urahara was crazy. Just where would you find a phone that you could use as a stun gun? Though, he mused, it could be interesting to try it out on someone.

He inserted the SIM card and pushed the ON button. The bickering between Hisagi and Renji, with occasionally placating words from Kira and Hinamori, ceased as they heard a low beep coming from the phone.

"Oi, Shizu, is it really okay to switch that thing on? Could be dangerous, yanno." Renji warned.

Uriya glanced at him impassively. "I know. Still, I'm curious."

"Me either." Hisagi agreed. Kira and Hinamori nodded.

They almost jumped out of their hides when suddenly a loud ringing came from the cell phone. Uriya's eyes widened slightly, a sure sign of his shock. The ring tone, so to say, was a mixture of reggae and hip-hop music style, blaring loudly and shocking the occupants shitless.

"…It's one most freakish, horrible kind of a ring tone I have ever heard…" Hisagi mumbled, seconded by several grunts and nods from his friends.

Uriya frowned and peered on the phone's screen. It was blinking with dynamic rhythmical flash and—hell, was it a chibified-Urahara animation on it?

The screen showed that he indeed got a call from someone. Uriya gingerly took the phone and stared at the screen. It was written as ''green_white_stripes_the_great' is calling you'.

He rolled his eyes as a tug of smile threatened to appear. The nickname was horribly long and distasteful. His mind flashed towards Urahara and his horrendous dark green overcoat. That man surely didn't have a decent fashion style.

"Who is it by the way?" Hinamori curiously asked.

"…Urahara." Uriya passionlessly answered. Somehow he dreaded the call. He sensed rather than saw Renji shivered at this very mention.

"Shizu, don't you want to pick up the call?" Hisagi inquired warily.

The phone was still ringing in his hand, but Uriya kept holding it like he was somehow hesitant to answer the call. He scrutinized the screen and finally found the button he wanted.

"…I try to find the loudspeaker button. In case something happened to my ears during my speech with him, all of you can pose as witnesses. Or rather, ear-lenders." The green eyed man explained evenly. Hinamori giggled hearing his odd term. "So, in other case, if I have to hunt down a certain shopkeeper and cero his ass over the desert plain of Hueco Mundo, you can testify for me."

Renji guffawed, clearly amused. "Hell dude, I like your remarks! Cero Urahara's ass over Hueco Mundo! That, was the most brilliant idea I've ever heard!"

Uriya smiled a little at him. "Well, thank you." And then he pushed the loudspeaker button and answered the call.

A long whine from the other side rang from the phone. It was, definitely, Urahara's.

[UUURRRRIIIIIIYYYYYYAAAA-KKKKUUUUUUNNNNN!]

And it was quickly followed by several sounds of lip-smacks and whistles from the background. Somehow, Uriya was suspicious that the supposedly background sounds were actually Urahara's as well. Gladly he remembered to use the loudspeaker instead of hearing from the speaker directly.

Annoyed, he shoved the cell phone towards the middle of his desk rather roughly. Renji snickered, while Hisagi and Kira chuckled lightly. Hinamori clasped a hand over her mouth to stem her giggles and kept her eyes on the offending cell phone.

"…Urahara." Uriya regarded the shopkeeper dispassionately; and without honorific he usually used to regard him. This was quite something; since Uriya was usually a polite person and regarding people with honorifics, except for Ichigo, Orihime, and several others whom he acknowledged as close acquaintances.

[WHY DID YOU KEEP SO LONG TO PICK UP THE PHONE? HOW MEAN!]

It sounded like the loudspeaker's capacity was enhanced by several notches only from hearing Urahara's high pitched whines. Uriya's right brows ticked in slight exasperation as he frowned at the phone.

"I do not need to elaborate my reason for picking up your call a little late than I should have to." He countered evenly.

[…AAAHHH, ULQUI-CHAN IS SOOOO MEANIEEE!]

Uriya closed his eyes and sucked in his breath rather harshly. Damn, he hated that degrading pet-name! Grimmjow and Nnoitra—sometimes included Ichimaru Gin—used it occasionally to annoy him; back then when they were still residing in Las Noches. He loathed the name, though he prided himself for being able to keep his calm, composed demeanor despite being mocked.

"…Urahara, I warn you. If you ever use that degrading name again, I swear I will—"

[ULQUIII-CHAAAANNN! MEANIEEEEE!]

Uriya frowned and pinched the bridge of his nose slowly, a sure sign of his apparent frustration.

[ULQUIII-CHAAANNN!]

_That's it!_

Uriya grabbed the offending phone and threw it away. Startled, Hisagi quickly ducked as the wailing phone sailed above his head, straight towards the large trash bin located on the corner of the office. But right before the phone was flung into the trash bin; Uriya had already chanted Byakurai and destroyed it. The remnant, however, were completely disposed into the trash bin since Uriya used Sho to thrust them in.

"…Useless trash."

Renji gaped at him and then at the trash bin, back and forth. "Man! Why did you do that?"

Uriya nonchalantly shrugged and went back to his chair. He didn't truly care about the phone anyway.

"…I don't need things that are utterly, thoroughly useless and despicable as trash." He remarked evenly, impassive as ever. "The phone is no exception."

Kira smirked slightly. "You're just offended by that shopkeeper's nickname for you. And by the way he practically shouted it to the rest of the world to hear."

Uriya spared a glance at the blonde evenly. "…Perhaps. I loathe that name. …It makes me remember the past."

They were silent as he spoke the last sentence almost faintly. They heard it nonetheless. It was a common knowledge that Shizu Uriya wasn't particularly fond of being reminded about his past as an Espada. He didn't hate his own self back then; he just hated the circumstances he was willingly counted before. Not that he could pick the side easily, though. He was an Arrancar; for god' sake. And as a 'good Arrancar' and Aizen's most reliable 'lap dog', he was supposed to obey him heedlessly.

"…Oh well, perhaps the weird old man of a shopkeeper just wanted to humor himself by riling you up." Renji blurted out after some time. "Maybe he thought it was funny."

"It was FUNNY indeed." Hisagi added, a bit of mirth still remaining within his voice.

Uriya deliberately ignored them and moved to examine stacks of paper on his desk. This was going to be one hell of an overwork, he thought grimly. He would have to dump some stacks on Ichigo then…

A loud beep startled them, making they jump and whirl around frantically to find the source of the sound. Well, Uriya was the one who didn't seem much surprised though. He had guessed just where the sound was coming from. He only raised his brows in mild surprise, not quite expecting the infernal _thing_ to still work after his blast of a kidou.

He slowly got up from his chair and edged closely towards Hisagi, who had picked his half-destroyed phone from the trash bin. The younger man had a disbelieving look on his face as he handed the thing to Uriya. The others mimicked his expression and watched warily as Uriya took the broken device from Hisagi.

"…I can't believe it," Kira murmured what was inside the others' mind aloud. "The thing is _still functioning_ after one hell of Byakurai hit it."

Uriya frowned and peered on the phone cautiously. The beep was still ringing loudly from the phone; the flash of its screen indicating an incoming call. Not bothering to push on the loudspeaker button unlike before, Uriya answered the call.

"…"

[It was mean for you, Uriya-kun] Urahara's voice chimed from the phone, loud enough so the other could hear it even not so clearly. His sound reflected a mocking tone within, much to Uriya's chagrin.

"…I've told you not to call me with that degrading name _ever_." Uriya emphasized the word 'ever' a bit harshly than he initially intended. "But you don't listen."

A low chuckle could be heard from the other line.

[Yanno, the name is quite endearing. No wonder both Ginjo-kun and Naoto-kun loved to call you by that name back then]

Another hearty chuckle could be heard and Uriya unintentionally glared at the offending phone.

"_What do you want?"_ he harshly asked, startling his friends with his sudden impolite burst. "I doubt you just want to give this phone freely to me and then pester me with your annoying chattering about my past in Las Noches. It was far than endearing memory for me."

The others didn't miss the cold, icy tone Uriya used when he mentioned about his past. Not to mention, a slight tension in the air as his reiatsu flared a bit along with his usually reserved temper. They gulped and watched the green eyed man warily.

[Aaah, so testy. I am earnestly giving the phone freely to you, yanno. It's a gift]

"…An annoying gift, I see."

[It will be quite a handy later. Bring it with you next Saturday when you come over to train Karin-chan. I will repair it since you blasted it rather spectacularly]

Uriya had a routine schedule to come to the living world every Saturday and Sunday to see Orihime and to train Karin as a shinigami substitute. Sometimes he was accompanied by Renji or Rukia or both; as they wanted to spend their weekend with their respective girlfriend/boyfriend. Renji was dating Tatsuki, while Rukia came to see Ichigo.

"And how did you know that I blast this infernal thing _spectacularly_, as you've said? Surveillance, perhaps."

Renji looked around in bewilderment; bristling at the mention of Urahara' surveillance.

The shopkeeper chuckled gaily. [Nah, it was easy to predict. Same like Kurosaki-kun, you're quite easy to rile]

Uriya scowled at the mention that he was _easy to rile_, being compared with Ichigo from all people. He knew for sure he was anything but easy.

[Just keep the phone, will you? It'll be handy someday]

Uriya closed his eyes in exasperation and sighed almost audibly. "…Fine. Thank you, Urahara-san."

[That's Ulqui-chan for sure! Okay, bye!]

Before Uriya could snap at him for using that horrid nickname again, the line was dismissed. The emerald eyed fukutaichou glared at the phone for the last time before half-threw it on the nearby couch.

"…You'll keep the phone?" Hinamori asked timidly.

Uriya shrugged. "It's settled, isn't it? He kind of forced me to."

He sighed and went to sit down on the couch. Renji, Kira, and Hisagi had followed him and sat on the couch as well. Hinamori took her own seat behind her desk not too far away from them.

"..Beside, the thing is surely going to give me some …fun."

They gaped at him, utterly shocked.

"…You and fun aren't related, my friend." Renji told him rather solemnly after they regained their soberness.

Uriya only shrugged nonchalantly.

* * *

Urahara didn't laugh this time.

He frowned. And thinking about how scary and humorless Shizu Uriya was. Though he was now a bit easier to approach and rile than before.

Nonetheless, he was proud that his phone at least had proved its durability against the blast of kidou Uriya had sent at its direction. He didn't need to improve that specific feature after all.

"Well, it's time to check on another customer."


	5. Hirako Shinji

Sorry, long time no see! I consider ending this story after two or three more short chapters. So, I can focus on my other stories.

On to the story…

* * *

**4****th**** Customer: Hirako Shinji**

**

* * *

**

The package arrived when Hirako Shinji went out from their HQ to get lunch.

It came hurled right on his head. Groaning in pain, Shinji glared at the offending package. _What the hell—?_ The blonde man blinked at the box.

_Did it barely fly and land on me?_ He wondered…

Picking the box up, he tilted his head and examined the package from side to side. Nothing seemed too much suspicious. Shinji raised a brow.

"Whose box is this? Is it supposed to be…fer me?"

The box, of course, didn't answer. The blond vaizard sighed. "Keh, I feel silly. Better get goin' fast and buy the food; or else Hiyori'll throw a temper tantrum at me." _Or bitch-slap me usin' her sandal, as well…_

He decided to keep the box to be opened later.

* * *

The box was buzzing.

Shinji was mortified—since the box buzzed in such intensity his body also got buzzing with it. He kept it within his pant's pocket; so the vibration, well, stirred a certain _thing_. Stifling an involuntary moan, he dug inside his pocket to pull out the box.

"What the—_fuckin' hell_! It's stuck!"

The box—still buzzing—was, indeed, stuck within his pocket. After some hard struggles and few odd stares from people around him—he was now walking amongst the crowd in Karakura Town Mall—he finally succeeded to pull out the infernal thing, right after he ushered himself into an abandoned alley. Taking one annoyed glare at it, Shinji couldn't help gaping.

"Wha—where is the box?"

Instead of the box he initially pocketed, it had changed into one cell phone; appeared in horrendous colors of white and green stripes (which was suspiciously similar with colors of certain shopkeeper's hat)—complete with the charger, SIM card, earphones, and manual book. A folded paper was glued onto the front of the small book. Frowning, Shinji took and opened it.

'_Dear Shinji,_

_This is my newest type of hollow-detector phone. I give it to you for cheap price: only 600 yen! Isn't it FANTASTIC? I know that Hiyori complains about you being hard to contact lately; it must be because of your old phone._

_Your best friend, Urahara Kisuke.'_

Shinji frowned. Somehow the crazy shopkeeper's note didn't make any sense at all. He knew that his old phone was okay, nothing problematic like 'hard to contact' or something like that. Hiyori, though, complained about everything, everyday—if not every time—so it wasn't an odd thing. Urahara Kisuke claiming his self to be his best friend…that was definitely not making any sense, _at all_. Since when, pray tell, they had been friends? Acquaintances, yes; but friends…no.

Though, aside from the distasteful colors the phone was adorned with, Shinji quite appreciated the goods. The price itself was quite reachable—if not impossibly cheap for a cell phone. The slim and sleek design was acceptable; heck, he liked the design better than his old cell phone. His old one was sliding-designed cell phone; sometimes he found himself fumbling with the sliding thing to make it work properly.

"…Heh, not bad really…think I hafta make a drop-in at his shop later…" he paused. "…And ask him about other skin color…this skin makes my stomach crawl… too much similar with his damn hat after all."

Examining the SIM card package, he decided for not opening it and used his old SIM card instead. Fumbling with his old contraption, he eventually pulled out his SIM card and placed it into the new one. Grinning in satisfactory, he pushed the ON button.

The phone buzzed—again.

Shinji's grin faltered. _Wait, didn't the device was previously off before I turned it on? If that so, then how did it buzz before? An automatic alarm?_

He peered at the receiver screen. An opening message. His brows ticked in annoyance as he saw the message with the chibi-animated of Urahara Kisuke—all in his dark green kimono, haori, cane, and signature striped hat glory—dancing merrily around, accompanied by samba-like music.

'Welcome to Urahara Kisuke's MAGNIFICENT **SOUL PHONE ™**. ENJOY AND SCROLL AROUND!'

"…That dork…his fashion sense has betrayed him a hundred years ago. I swear I will ban that opening message immediately." Shinji grumbled. "I wonder what Shihouin does see in him after all…"

Scrolling inside the Menu—thank God, it was a normal scrolling menu, without another chibified Urahara dancing around merrily—Shinji decided to erase the opening message. _Safety first_, he thought with satisfaction. After that, he immediately went to Contact and inspected the content. Thankfully, it was still the same. It was his old SIM card after all.

He went through menu to menu, submenu to submenu; and found nothing strange or out of place. Aside from the damn color and chibi-Urahara animation adorning the phone's Feature and Entertainment contents—Shinji hatefully erased the Graphic folder containing those animation **ASAP**—the phone was fine. Happy with his recent gift, Shinji whistled a merry tune and went to resume his food buying trip—when he got his first call.

His new phone rang cheerfully—the ringtone was Diggy Mo's 'Stay Beautiful'— successfully startling him. Peering at the device, Shinji couldn't be more surprised anymore when he saw that the one who called him was, unmistakably, Hiyori.

Shinji carefully held the contraption in an arm's length from his ear, before cautiously pushed the Call button. Hiyori's loud and shrilly voice immediately blared out from the speaker.

[SHINJI, YOU DICKHEAD! WHY ARE YOU TAKING SO LONG TO BUY EIGHT DAMN BENTOS, YOU FOOL? I'M STARVING!]

Shinji sighed.

"…Hiyori, I barely got out fer five minutes…"

[NO SHIT! HURRY UP AND BUY THOSE FOODS! I'M STARVING!]

Shinji sighed again.

"…Stupid monkey-girl…"

[WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY?]

"N—no—nothin', Hiyori, really! Nothin'! I did say nothin', yeah!" Shinji stammered, terrified. Hiyori's ears were genuinely sensitive in catching those insulting phrases, especially if they were made by _him_ of all people.

[HMPH! HURRY UP, SHINJI DICKHEAD! OR I SWEAR I WILL BEAT YOUR SKINNY ASS SENSELESS WITH MY SANDAL RIGHT AW—_**PEEP!**_] BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ…

Shinji blinked. "Huh? Another buzz? Just what the hell with this phone—"

Another shrill beep emanated and then the buzzing stopped altogether. Shinji stared unblinkingly at the contraption—when a small crevice was formed on the speaker hole. From the hole, a mechanical arm holding a half pair of sandal sprang out with a loud POP.

Shinji's jaw dropped.

"Wha—what the hell? _Sandal? Where—how—_"

**SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!**

"SHIT! JUST WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS DAMN PHONE? I SWEAR, KISUKE, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AFTER THIS!" Shinji bellowed furiously, hand nursing his reddened cheek—courtesy of the mechanical-arm-and-sandal. He glared angrily at the phone and swung his arm to throw the infernal thing as far away as he could—when another mechanical arm, holding another half pair of sandal, emerged from the small crevice located on the side of the phone.

Shinji froze…and blinked at the sandal, which was swung towards his face's direction.

"…Shit…"

_**SMACK!**_

_**

* * *

**_

Urahara did a ROFLMAO right on his stool. And later, his floor also…wherever, he didn't really care. He just…laughed like a madman.

_Damn, that was real success!_ His Hiyori Sandal Smacker™ Mobile version was a brilliant idea after all. He felt indebted to his former fukutaichou—for the idea—after this one.

"Hahahahahahahahaha! Heeheeheeheehee! Uhuk, uhuk…Oh, God, that was really FUNNY! I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED THIS GOOD FOR—FOR _EVER!_ HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Spluttering indecently, the shopkeeper wiped his laughing tears and wobbly tried to stand up from his lying position on the floor. 'Trying' was the keyword. Righting his stool, he perched once more in front of his surveillance monitors and hummed happily. Once in a while, a giggle or snicker slipped out from his mouth; undoubtedly because of the reminiscence of his recent shows.

"Lalalala, now…who's the next customer, hmmm?"


End file.
